Spare tyres

The blood test I had on Monday while complaining about my frozen fingers has confirmed that I am in full blown menopause. Apparently as the ovaries shut down and oestrogen levels drop, the body frantically tries to compensate by producing high levels of hormones from the pituitary gland which create all these other unpleasant symptoms - including the sluggish metabolism and ability to put on half a stone over a weekend. The brutal loss of womanhood pales into insignificance next to this uncontrollable weight gain. How shallow am I?