Finally had surgery confirmed for tomorrow. No food or drink after 12 - hospital at 3pm - and surgery at around 6pm. I haven't been at all worried about this until the reality set in and now, of course, I'm wondering whether to leave notes for everyone in case I never wake up. There is also the realisation that whatever has been lurking deep within me for two and a half years, is about to be unmasked, unrobed and laid bare. A prognosis in the offing.
At each new twist in the road it feels a bit like being diagnosed all over again. I know now though that resistance is futile and the best thing to do is to let the shock waves ride over you until you come out the other side.
My high jinks at new year were followed by two days in bed, aching from head to toe - which I believe from talking to fellow sufferers on my website is par for the course after chemo. That and a left leg that just goes dead from time to time and has permanent pins and needles. One of the frustrating things about this is the fact that there isn't anyone who is accessible on a day to day basis to tell you whether what you are experiencing is normal and to guide you through symptom management. Apparently in France there is a team of doctors you can talk to but here, apart from having a blurry 3.5 minutes with a consultant every 3 months or so, you are pretty much left to fend for yourself.
Took Emily shopping for black boots today and got a fab pair in the sale at Russell & Bromley - almost a reasonable price - along with some teen lingerie (say no more). She seems to have grown in the last week. I felt tired and grumpy and snapped all day at her and long suffering mum instead of enjoying the quality time. Everything seems to have so much more significance than it used to. I always used to be grumpy but it didn't matter. Now everything matters.
Luc went to bed feeling ill again as he always does the night before I go to hospital. I forget sometimes that if this seems interminably long for me, it is forever and a day for him. He came back from Shropshire so buoyant and thrilled with his new room and I have knocked the stuffing out of him. I know that once I am up and about again he will be fine but I know that this will change the course of my childrens' lives in a way I never imagined when they were born. It's a hefty responsibility.
The house is back to its pre Christmas chaos with all beds taken and no personal space at all. It's like living in a commune. And yet every person is here because of me so I can't complain. Though of course I do.
The au pair came back from her holiday laden with gifts including - and I think this wins her the coveted top au pair award - a fresh truffle - which is nestling in a little jar in the door of my fridge to be lovingly grated onto fresh pasta with mushrooms for my final meal tonight. I wonder if anyone would mind if I ate it alone, in bed? Given my current mood they will probably rejoice.
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4 comments:
When all this medical stuff is over, you must go back to writing, Mary - or publish this blog! Its so vivid, I find myself laughing at one moment (especially the Ikea references) and welling up the next. Don't knock yourself up about the kids - you have got two lovely children and you seem to be managing your illness with them extraordinarily well.
I'm taking a break from mountains of ironing to write this - and you're probably just coming out of the op... Hope all has gone well!
much love, Pippa
Thinking of you today. When you get back to normal I have some boys clothes for you. Well for Luc actually.
Lots of love and hope your recovery is ok,
love CathC
What an inspiration you are Mrs D. I've been following your blog like I do Coronation Street or mass on Sunday - religiously! My new 'work/life/Mary's blog' balance is going well. Earnings may be down, but thinking time is most definitely up! I was thinking about you yesterday and I wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime, I'm going to pull my finger out and get onto your wonderful cousin's website. If there's anything I can do for him while he's climbing that mountain (Skyplus Corrie for him?) do let me know.
Lots of hugs
Lisa (a virgin to all this blogging/tubing/facebooking, but now I've done it once I presumably won't be able to stop??)
Dear Mary,
I hope your surgery goes well. Simon told me about your diagnosis a while back, and I have been following your blog ever since, and have been so impressed by your strength and outlook.
I hope you don’t mind me dropping you a line, but since you mentioned in your blog that you would like there to be someone to whom you could ask all your questions, I wanted to tell you about a service the charity I work for, Cancerbackup (www.cancerbackup.org.uk), provides. We have a freephone helpline (9am-8pm, Mon-Fri), which is staffed by experienced cancer nurses, and they can answer any of the questions you might have. I just thought you might find it helpful.
I wish you all the very best for your recovery.
Anna Leibowitz
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