The children have gone to Shropshire for a week and I am bereft. They have taken both Nintendo DS lite consoles with them. I have been forced to send off to Amazon for two point and click pc games to entertain me now that I will not have the joy of getting Super Mario to World 4 or lowering my brain age below 35. I have considered buying my own set - but as the pre christmas rush on stock has added £50 to their price, the sheer extravagance of it is too much even for me.
Now that the chemo drugs are working their way out of my system I am starting to remember what it feels like to be normal - but suffered a severe setback this weekend after agreeing to spend half of it in Ikea buying Luc a new wardrobe...Hoping not to go back ever again, we somehow came back with not one but two enormous cupboards which have transformed his room into something resembling the Pax catalogue. What were we thinking?
Having moved all of his stuff (and there is a lot of it) into Emily's room, I now realise that the rest of the week will be spent trying to filter and chuck, rather than enjoying plenty of r&r as I had imagined. The other problem is that while the giant wardrobes are almost finished (thanks to the efforts of Francois, Mark A, a couple of screwdrivers and a lot of swearing), there were unfortunately no shelves in stock to go in them so I can't even start putting things away. Why or why does Ikea exist if not to torture us?
Perhaps its a good thing there is no Nintendo here after all...
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Aint no mountain high enough
My cousin James (of no previous climbing experience) has decided to risk life and limb and climb one of the highest and most unforgiving mountains in the world - Aconcagua in Argentina. He will be doing this in aid of one of my favourite charities, the Breast Cancer Haven, which you will know has provided me with invaluable support, information and help over these last months - and I have many more sessions planned after my treatment. I can think of no better recipient as currently there are only two Haven's in the UK, with a third planned for Leeds next year. It costs £1000 to put one woman through the programme but we are not asked to pay a penny for access to wonderful therapists, nurses and counsellors. It is a real life line for hundreds, if not thousands of women, but as it depends entirely on charitable donations and receives no official funding, every penny raised is put to immediate use and the effect is felt immediately.
James has been busting a gut even over Xmas, training day in and day out by walking for 8 hours at a time carrying 20kg rucksack on his back - as you will see from the pic on his website. He is aiming to raise £10,000 in total but any sum, however large or small, would be very gratefully received.....
James has been busting a gut even over Xmas, training day in and day out by walking for 8 hours at a time carrying 20kg rucksack on his back - as you will see from the pic on his website. He is aiming to raise £10,000 in total but any sum, however large or small, would be very gratefully received.....
To sponsor James and support the Breast Cancer Haven, please click on the link below
http://www.justgiving.com/jamesglasson
All donations are secure and sent electronically to Breast Cancer Haven. If you are a UK taxpayer, Justgiving will automatically reclaim 28% Gift Aid on your behalf, so your donation is worth even more. Please join us in supporting Breast Cancer Haven and a fabulous cause.
http://www.justgiving.com/jamesglasson
All donations are secure and sent electronically to Breast Cancer Haven. If you are a UK taxpayer, Justgiving will automatically reclaim 28% Gift Aid on your behalf, so your donation is worth even more. Please join us in supporting Breast Cancer Haven and a fabulous cause.
Happy New Year and GOOD LUCK JAMES!!!!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Happy Christmas
Just as those terrified soldiers in the first world war trenches found the inspiration to carve little works of art out of wood while the world was falling apart around them - so I have found that in the midst of my personal battle, this Christmas has turned out to be one of great peace and joy.
Perhaps a little melodramatic in terms of analogy - but letting go of all expectations has meant that I have appreciated every minute in a way I haven't before and after a slightly shaky start I found that I felt very glad to be me and exactly where I am, despite everything.
On Saturday night I put on my hair and a sparkly frock for Nick and Pippa's party and managed to transform myself into something resembling my old self. The au pair did an enormous double take when she saw me coming down the stairs and kept looking at me incredulously while muttering things like 'Incroyable' and 'c'est magnifique!'. I remain eternally grateful to the Look Good Feel Better crew for that wonderful session where I learnt to colour myself in - it felt really good to be wearing something other than my cosy Gap joggers and a floppy top.
I spent a thoroughly enjoyable evening trying to sing Xmas carols over those who had been at the Arsenal victory match against Tottenham that same afternoon - you know who you are!!! - and chatting to lots of people I know well and I couple I don't know at all - which was wonderfully liberating as they had no idea that everything they were looking at was fake and the conversation did not hinge around my health and wellbeing. I even forgot about it for a while which is always a relief. In true cinderella style I left before midnight and changed back into a slug.
My poor parents arrived on Sunday laden with food after reading my last blog and evidently prepared for a siege - and Francois took both kids to Harrods for essentials such as foie gras and macaroons from La Duree.
Mass on Xmas Eve was so beautiful and I only cried once which I thought was quite impressive really. The wobble came on the way out as I watched everyone making their way home to their families and I was overcome with jealousy and self pity that they were all going home to a cancer free Christmas and I was not - but after a stern talking to from myself and my very sensible husband, I pulled myself together and had that much anticipated glass of champagne along with some incredibly good smoked salmon and a little slice of foie gras - and the moment was gone.
My sister and I both share the ridiculous habit of waking up hours before the children on Christmas day and waiting for them to get up - so I was watching TV and drinking tea from about 6am when I heard them stir at around 8.30. I had to charge back to bed so they wouldn't suspect it was me eating the mince pie and the carrot. Such a baby...
They were, of course, utterly and completely spoilt - more so this year than usual - largely due to my inept internet shopping which went into chair leg mode as I kept forgetting what I'd got and then trying to even up presents so one didn't have more than the other. They loved everything and Luc kept running around declaring that he 'loved his life' - how easily his affections can be bought!
I cooked probably the simplest Xmas lunch I have ever made but one of the most delicious - - and my galley slaves obediently did all the clearing up while I had a two hour sleep in the afternoon and the kids watched a DVD. The glass of wine at lunchtime completely finished me off after these months of abstinence.
On Boxing Day, Francois' sister, her husband, her three grown up kids, and the wife of the eldest, plus her parents arrived so we had 14 for lunch. Instead of panicking and running round trying to make sure everything was perfect I did little more than to put the leftovers on the table accompanied by a couple of salads and some super simple puddings I'd made at the weekend. Everyone was on good form, no one fell out, no plates were thrown, no adult burst into tears and apart from getting locked into Clissold Park and having to climb over the fence to get out, the whole day went without a hitch.
Francois is pleased that we have not a shred of turkey left and only one slice of ham remains.
This Christmas has taught me that living in the moment is far more worthwhile than dwelling on a past I cannot change or a future that hasn't happened.
Perhaps a little melodramatic in terms of analogy - but letting go of all expectations has meant that I have appreciated every minute in a way I haven't before and after a slightly shaky start I found that I felt very glad to be me and exactly where I am, despite everything.
On Saturday night I put on my hair and a sparkly frock for Nick and Pippa's party and managed to transform myself into something resembling my old self. The au pair did an enormous double take when she saw me coming down the stairs and kept looking at me incredulously while muttering things like 'Incroyable' and 'c'est magnifique!'. I remain eternally grateful to the Look Good Feel Better crew for that wonderful session where I learnt to colour myself in - it felt really good to be wearing something other than my cosy Gap joggers and a floppy top.
I spent a thoroughly enjoyable evening trying to sing Xmas carols over those who had been at the Arsenal victory match against Tottenham that same afternoon - you know who you are!!! - and chatting to lots of people I know well and I couple I don't know at all - which was wonderfully liberating as they had no idea that everything they were looking at was fake and the conversation did not hinge around my health and wellbeing. I even forgot about it for a while which is always a relief. In true cinderella style I left before midnight and changed back into a slug.
My poor parents arrived on Sunday laden with food after reading my last blog and evidently prepared for a siege - and Francois took both kids to Harrods for essentials such as foie gras and macaroons from La Duree.
Mass on Xmas Eve was so beautiful and I only cried once which I thought was quite impressive really. The wobble came on the way out as I watched everyone making their way home to their families and I was overcome with jealousy and self pity that they were all going home to a cancer free Christmas and I was not - but after a stern talking to from myself and my very sensible husband, I pulled myself together and had that much anticipated glass of champagne along with some incredibly good smoked salmon and a little slice of foie gras - and the moment was gone.
My sister and I both share the ridiculous habit of waking up hours before the children on Christmas day and waiting for them to get up - so I was watching TV and drinking tea from about 6am when I heard them stir at around 8.30. I had to charge back to bed so they wouldn't suspect it was me eating the mince pie and the carrot. Such a baby...
They were, of course, utterly and completely spoilt - more so this year than usual - largely due to my inept internet shopping which went into chair leg mode as I kept forgetting what I'd got and then trying to even up presents so one didn't have more than the other. They loved everything and Luc kept running around declaring that he 'loved his life' - how easily his affections can be bought!
I cooked probably the simplest Xmas lunch I have ever made but one of the most delicious - - and my galley slaves obediently did all the clearing up while I had a two hour sleep in the afternoon and the kids watched a DVD. The glass of wine at lunchtime completely finished me off after these months of abstinence.
On Boxing Day, Francois' sister, her husband, her three grown up kids, and the wife of the eldest, plus her parents arrived so we had 14 for lunch. Instead of panicking and running round trying to make sure everything was perfect I did little more than to put the leftovers on the table accompanied by a couple of salads and some super simple puddings I'd made at the weekend. Everyone was on good form, no one fell out, no plates were thrown, no adult burst into tears and apart from getting locked into Clissold Park and having to climb over the fence to get out, the whole day went without a hitch.
Francois is pleased that we have not a shred of turkey left and only one slice of ham remains.
This Christmas has taught me that living in the moment is far more worthwhile than dwelling on a past I cannot change or a future that hasn't happened.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Tis the season to be jolly
My sense of time has abandoned me. The other day I wrote July 07 on a cheque - and it occurred to me that that is the moment when my clock stopped. And yet here I am looking at another Christmas tree and handing out Vitamin C. If the doctor is right, I had breast cancer last Christmas and the one before that but those were normal Christmases where my biggest worry was whether I'd get it all done in time. This year I know that it doesn't really matter. Christmas will happen anyway - but knowing now what I didn't know then changes the shape of it.
Just as I start to emerge from the fog and the cold and various other ailments too revolting to relate, I find myself nursing a boy who stuck his Nintendo pen in his ear and a husband who has collapsed in a heap with the flu after a gruelling few weeks. Even the au pair is ill. I have made no Xmas pudding, no Xmas Cake and haven't been near a supermarket in weeks. Luckily parents are arriving on Sunday with a food parcel or we may well end up eating more of the pasta from the bottomless 5kg bag I mistakenly bought on the internet.
My loathing of supermarkets and general inability to get all the way round the big Sainsbury's is turning me into a whizz at storecupboard cookery and the children have learned not to comment on sardine pasta with black olives or tinned pears with walnuts. They are positively thrilled with my Fridge dregs curry or tuna 'surprise' and if nothing else this is turning them into even more adventurous eaters - though Emily says she will never eat brocolli again and Luc won't touch a frozen pea.
Francois is moaning as usual about having Turkey for Christmas dinner - saying how boring it is and how we'll have to eat it for a week - which of course in my view just adds to its attraction.
A strange thing happened the other day. I was in Woolworth's and saw someone I knew. She pretended she hadn't seen me and as I approached she turned the other way. I hesitated for a minute, wondering whether I should just bite the bullet and say hello. She obviously felt incredibly awkward and didn't know what to say to me and my instinct to put her at her ease suddenly felt as if it would waste more energy than I could afford to spend. I wonder whether she would have done the same if I had a more acceptable illness or operation - and I wonder whether I might have done the same if I found myself in her position.
In fact I'm no better at handling these things either really. Walking around Stoke Newington poses continual problems as I know so many people here to say hello to - but if I don't want to get to the 'how are you?' part I have to develop avoidance strategies. Sometimes it's because I really don't feel I know them well enough to explain why I am wearing a flowery headscarf in December and sometimes it's because it seems so unfair to tell them the truth and watch them struggle to find a response.
It's a lesson in vulnerability on so many levels. I think the worst thing is knowing that people feel sorry for me - seeing the pity in their eyes makes me feel so useless - and caterpults me into upbeat overdrive assuring them I am fine - assuring myself I am fine. And of course I know this is unreasonable of me - that I would do exactly the same - but somehow it serves to accentuate the great divide - the one in which I am on the other side.
But as fluff starts to appear on top of my head (hurrah!!) and the nausea subsides (hurrah hurrah!) I realise that I will soon have no time to dwell on these things - and about bloody time too.
In any event - I will definitely be raising that glass of Champagne I've been on about for 6 months to you and wishing all my fantastic friends and family a very merry Christmas and a happy and healthy new year. I couldn't have got through 2007 without you. Thank you.
Just as I start to emerge from the fog and the cold and various other ailments too revolting to relate, I find myself nursing a boy who stuck his Nintendo pen in his ear and a husband who has collapsed in a heap with the flu after a gruelling few weeks. Even the au pair is ill. I have made no Xmas pudding, no Xmas Cake and haven't been near a supermarket in weeks. Luckily parents are arriving on Sunday with a food parcel or we may well end up eating more of the pasta from the bottomless 5kg bag I mistakenly bought on the internet.
My loathing of supermarkets and general inability to get all the way round the big Sainsbury's is turning me into a whizz at storecupboard cookery and the children have learned not to comment on sardine pasta with black olives or tinned pears with walnuts. They are positively thrilled with my Fridge dregs curry or tuna 'surprise' and if nothing else this is turning them into even more adventurous eaters - though Emily says she will never eat brocolli again and Luc won't touch a frozen pea.
Francois is moaning as usual about having Turkey for Christmas dinner - saying how boring it is and how we'll have to eat it for a week - which of course in my view just adds to its attraction.
A strange thing happened the other day. I was in Woolworth's and saw someone I knew. She pretended she hadn't seen me and as I approached she turned the other way. I hesitated for a minute, wondering whether I should just bite the bullet and say hello. She obviously felt incredibly awkward and didn't know what to say to me and my instinct to put her at her ease suddenly felt as if it would waste more energy than I could afford to spend. I wonder whether she would have done the same if I had a more acceptable illness or operation - and I wonder whether I might have done the same if I found myself in her position.
In fact I'm no better at handling these things either really. Walking around Stoke Newington poses continual problems as I know so many people here to say hello to - but if I don't want to get to the 'how are you?' part I have to develop avoidance strategies. Sometimes it's because I really don't feel I know them well enough to explain why I am wearing a flowery headscarf in December and sometimes it's because it seems so unfair to tell them the truth and watch them struggle to find a response.
It's a lesson in vulnerability on so many levels. I think the worst thing is knowing that people feel sorry for me - seeing the pity in their eyes makes me feel so useless - and caterpults me into upbeat overdrive assuring them I am fine - assuring myself I am fine. And of course I know this is unreasonable of me - that I would do exactly the same - but somehow it serves to accentuate the great divide - the one in which I am on the other side.
But as fluff starts to appear on top of my head (hurrah!!) and the nausea subsides (hurrah hurrah!) I realise that I will soon have no time to dwell on these things - and about bloody time too.
In any event - I will definitely be raising that glass of Champagne I've been on about for 6 months to you and wishing all my fantastic friends and family a very merry Christmas and a happy and healthy new year. I couldn't have got through 2007 without you. Thank you.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Gunner heaven
After yesterday, I if you cut Luc in half you would find red and white stripes. Fantastic time watching the players train before meeting the whole of the first team. He now has an autograph book filled with their signatures and two disposable cameras full of photos - although I suspect most of them will turn out to be of Gunnersaurus or the floor. He was thrilled that Fabregast (spelling ??) asked him how old he was and assured me that 'Theo is really good looking.' My boy - on first name terms with Arsenal players. Francois gutted that he didn't speak to any of the Frenchies but his nerves got the better of him. Maybe next time.....
Monday, December 17, 2007
Best Laid Plans
I've been busy as anything getting ready for Xmas - taking Emily shopping and both kids to Wagamama and the cinema - not to mention wrapping up (almost) everything in time for op tomorrow - which has now been cancelled due to my bad cold! Provisional date now 8th Jan...
The road to uncertainty continues...but I am philosophical. The panic of last week has subsided and I am reassured that waiting another 2 or 3 weeks will not change my prognosis and that my surgeon will be fitter and more rested after his Xmas break...
Luc completely chuffed to have won an invite to the Arsenal Junior Gunners Xmas party today - had to drop him off at 10 - and will pick him up at 5 - where he will apparently watch the first team train and then get to meet them all and get their autographs. He was up and dressed in his specially decorated t-shirt at dawn, Arsenal back pack filled with disposable cameras, pens and his precious membership card. After queuing for 50 minutes in the freezing cold (I was early) he ran in without a backwards glance while I ran back to a parking ticket on the car....
Emily happy with her new pink mobile phone which matches her new pink braces - and have secretly given her an extra top up as she spent the first lot in three days. Her birthday (seems like ages ago) went without a hitch and she was thoroughly spoiled. Phone in one hand, Sylvanian Family nursery in the other - the exact divide between childhood and adolescence.
She has made a great group of friends at the new school and at her Xmas concert last week the display of sheer comraderie and enthusiasm was uplifting. Stoke Newington is not school as we know it - but it has a dynamism and joy that I wished I'd had - not to mention a bevvy of beautiful male teachers - the au pair was positively drooling - until Emily told us that the one she had her eye on was actually 'gay - so deal with it' . Needless to say he is top of the popularity list.
Talking of hot teachers, Luc's nativity was absolutely beautiful - only marred by Luc himself - in the front row - once again doing his impression of an escaped lunatic. Why oh why do I have to spend every one of his concerts with my hands over my face. Still the back view of Mr Bobb provided some welcome Xmas cheer - and I noticed I was not alone in this thought.
Luc's piano recital at the Vortex jazz club yesterday was far less embarrassing - I was completely impressed by his enthusiasm and rythmn - his rendition of Jingle Bells accompanied by the guitar and the double bass took as all by surprise - we only hope that next year he may finally learn to play with two hands....
The road to uncertainty continues...but I am philosophical. The panic of last week has subsided and I am reassured that waiting another 2 or 3 weeks will not change my prognosis and that my surgeon will be fitter and more rested after his Xmas break...
Luc completely chuffed to have won an invite to the Arsenal Junior Gunners Xmas party today - had to drop him off at 10 - and will pick him up at 5 - where he will apparently watch the first team train and then get to meet them all and get their autographs. He was up and dressed in his specially decorated t-shirt at dawn, Arsenal back pack filled with disposable cameras, pens and his precious membership card. After queuing for 50 minutes in the freezing cold (I was early) he ran in without a backwards glance while I ran back to a parking ticket on the car....
Emily happy with her new pink mobile phone which matches her new pink braces - and have secretly given her an extra top up as she spent the first lot in three days. Her birthday (seems like ages ago) went without a hitch and she was thoroughly spoiled. Phone in one hand, Sylvanian Family nursery in the other - the exact divide between childhood and adolescence.
She has made a great group of friends at the new school and at her Xmas concert last week the display of sheer comraderie and enthusiasm was uplifting. Stoke Newington is not school as we know it - but it has a dynamism and joy that I wished I'd had - not to mention a bevvy of beautiful male teachers - the au pair was positively drooling - until Emily told us that the one she had her eye on was actually 'gay - so deal with it' . Needless to say he is top of the popularity list.
Talking of hot teachers, Luc's nativity was absolutely beautiful - only marred by Luc himself - in the front row - once again doing his impression of an escaped lunatic. Why oh why do I have to spend every one of his concerts with my hands over my face. Still the back view of Mr Bobb provided some welcome Xmas cheer - and I noticed I was not alone in this thought.
Luc's piano recital at the Vortex jazz club yesterday was far less embarrassing - I was completely impressed by his enthusiasm and rythmn - his rendition of Jingle Bells accompanied by the guitar and the double bass took as all by surprise - we only hope that next year he may finally learn to play with two hands....
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Slice and Dice
Well after a weekend holed up with the kids I ventured out today for (as you will now not be surprised to hear) a trip to the doctor's, an ultrasound and a flit around John Lewis. The ultrasound failed to turn up anything of interest as the mysterious 3mm lump is too small to see except with an mri - and the consultant was adamant that he knew all about it but wanted to wait and see what the second mri showed up as they have a tendency to show up everything - even when it is not relevant. In any event - my options are now limited and I have agreed to wait 3 months for another mri, and to assess the situation then. In the meantime, he assures me I am not in any immediate danger. Could have done with not having this hanging over me - but uncertainty is now a feature of my life so I am not on unfamiliar territory.
The good news is that I am to have surgery next Tuesday 18th December to remove what's left of my cancer, along with a sentinel node biopsy to ascertain which lymph nodes drain the tumour - which will then be removed. If all is clear that will be the end of that - but if tumour cells are found I will need a second operation under the arm to remove more lymph nodes. I could have had this at the same time - but it is a much bigger operation and carries a risk of lymphodoema which is a pain in the butt (well the arm to be precise) - so I opted to take it in stages in case it proves not to be necessary. The surgery will also mean I will get the full pathology of this little bugger - but to receive it I have to go to Wimbledon at 2.30pm on Friday afternoon 21st December!!!! I can only imagine the horror of my 26 hour round trip on the Friday before Xmas - probably won't get back till xmas eve - and all that 3 days after surgery. Oh well - I did insist on being sliced and diced before xmas so can't complain....
I already feel as if a weight has been lifted and that I will at least have the worst behind me before the festivities. And it appears that that is not the only thing to be lifted as the consultant assured me that he will reconstruct me so well that I'll end up with a beautiful left boob - better perhaps than the current model - and that he is happy to do the same to the right at some later date. Eat your heart out Pammie..
So just a few clear days now to finish my Xmas shopping and start the wrapping so I'll have nothing to do except eat turkey and drink Champagne....
The good news is that I am to have surgery next Tuesday 18th December to remove what's left of my cancer, along with a sentinel node biopsy to ascertain which lymph nodes drain the tumour - which will then be removed. If all is clear that will be the end of that - but if tumour cells are found I will need a second operation under the arm to remove more lymph nodes. I could have had this at the same time - but it is a much bigger operation and carries a risk of lymphodoema which is a pain in the butt (well the arm to be precise) - so I opted to take it in stages in case it proves not to be necessary. The surgery will also mean I will get the full pathology of this little bugger - but to receive it I have to go to Wimbledon at 2.30pm on Friday afternoon 21st December!!!! I can only imagine the horror of my 26 hour round trip on the Friday before Xmas - probably won't get back till xmas eve - and all that 3 days after surgery. Oh well - I did insist on being sliced and diced before xmas so can't complain....
I already feel as if a weight has been lifted and that I will at least have the worst behind me before the festivities. And it appears that that is not the only thing to be lifted as the consultant assured me that he will reconstruct me so well that I'll end up with a beautiful left boob - better perhaps than the current model - and that he is happy to do the same to the right at some later date. Eat your heart out Pammie..
So just a few clear days now to finish my Xmas shopping and start the wrapping so I'll have nothing to do except eat turkey and drink Champagne....
Friday, December 7, 2007
I should be so Lucky
Difficult to write anything at the moment after another rollercoaster week.
Monday and Tuesday were blissful at The Haven in Fulham. Thanks so much Rita and Nuala for their excellent chauffeuring/chatting service - it added to my enjoyment enormously! More about that another day.
Wednesday started brilliantly when I discovered over coffee that my lovely friends had an ulterior motive in inviting me to the cafe and handed me a sheet of paper covered with fab pictures of Kylie in Showgirl costume, on the back of which was written that I am to receive 2 tickets to her sellout concert at the 02 centre next July - exactly one year after my diagnosis. It was one of the few moments in my life when I can say I was speechless...as those around that table will confirm. I am already practising my disco diva dance moves... So a big thank you to the Kylie Consortium...
Wednesday finished well too with a trip to the ballet with Emily and Pippa and her daughter Alice to see Jewels at the ROH - very sparkly with divine costumes. In the theatre I can forget myself for a while - it offers a tangible release from the everyday pressure - and it was great to see Emily enjoying herself so much. Have resolved to do more of that.
On Thursday an ultrasound scan revealed that my tumour has not shrunk at all since the last scan (three chemos ago) but after my initial disappointment I decided to focus on the fact that at least it is half its original size. Not the result I was hoping for but perhaps not the end of the world.
On Friday I went for my MRI - this time listening to the three tenors singing 'My Way'. I have told them that they really have to improve their CD collection. My chat with the radiologist started well when he confirmed that my first MRI showed my tumour at 25mm x 25mm (smaller than I thought) and the fact that it is now only 12mm x 14mm is overall good news. He then said 'And the 8mm lump in the other breast is now only 3mm'. I don't know who was more suprised - me - because this is the first I've heard of another lump - or him that I didn't know. Apparently he wrote in his report to my consultant back in August that he recommended an ultrasound to determine what kind of lump it is. So here I am again - left in the dark until Tuesday when said consultant can explain to me what the hell is going on. I seriously suspect that he failed to read that bit of the report - but I will reserve judgement until then.
Anyway I don't suppose this news would have changed anything about my treatment - it will just be more difficult now to identify what kind of lump this new one is - although the fact that it appears to have responded to chemotherapy does not, in my view, bode well. Lop 'em both off is my current feeling but perhaps I will soften in time.
Monday and Tuesday were blissful at The Haven in Fulham. Thanks so much Rita and Nuala for their excellent chauffeuring/chatting service - it added to my enjoyment enormously! More about that another day.
Wednesday started brilliantly when I discovered over coffee that my lovely friends had an ulterior motive in inviting me to the cafe and handed me a sheet of paper covered with fab pictures of Kylie in Showgirl costume, on the back of which was written that I am to receive 2 tickets to her sellout concert at the 02 centre next July - exactly one year after my diagnosis. It was one of the few moments in my life when I can say I was speechless...as those around that table will confirm. I am already practising my disco diva dance moves... So a big thank you to the Kylie Consortium...
Wednesday finished well too with a trip to the ballet with Emily and Pippa and her daughter Alice to see Jewels at the ROH - very sparkly with divine costumes. In the theatre I can forget myself for a while - it offers a tangible release from the everyday pressure - and it was great to see Emily enjoying herself so much. Have resolved to do more of that.
On Thursday an ultrasound scan revealed that my tumour has not shrunk at all since the last scan (three chemos ago) but after my initial disappointment I decided to focus on the fact that at least it is half its original size. Not the result I was hoping for but perhaps not the end of the world.
On Friday I went for my MRI - this time listening to the three tenors singing 'My Way'. I have told them that they really have to improve their CD collection. My chat with the radiologist started well when he confirmed that my first MRI showed my tumour at 25mm x 25mm (smaller than I thought) and the fact that it is now only 12mm x 14mm is overall good news. He then said 'And the 8mm lump in the other breast is now only 3mm'. I don't know who was more suprised - me - because this is the first I've heard of another lump - or him that I didn't know. Apparently he wrote in his report to my consultant back in August that he recommended an ultrasound to determine what kind of lump it is. So here I am again - left in the dark until Tuesday when said consultant can explain to me what the hell is going on. I seriously suspect that he failed to read that bit of the report - but I will reserve judgement until then.
Anyway I don't suppose this news would have changed anything about my treatment - it will just be more difficult now to identify what kind of lump this new one is - although the fact that it appears to have responded to chemotherapy does not, in my view, bode well. Lop 'em both off is my current feeling but perhaps I will soften in time.
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