Out of fuel

This bloody chemo thing is getting me down. Having had high hopes of number 5, it has unfortunately reactivated the chest infection. Back to gp tomorrow after nights and days of coughing incessently. Have barely made it out of bed since thurs so my saintly mother is staying on for a few more days. I am desperately hoping that I do not have to go back to hospital - it is Luc's birthday on Thursday and I had so many plans for this week. I also have to get better for the next and final dose on the 21st. I had no idea when I started this journey what the word chemotherapy actually meant. I can't believe my vaguely callous and flippant attitude to friends and family who had been through it. I feel a bit like Earl (in My Name is) mentally crossing off previous wrongs and making them right by living through this myself. My mother in law who had breast cancer 35 years ago and was never really on good form afterwards got short shrift from me - I thought breast cancer was a step up from flu - but it is not. She must be up there now with her very best 'told you so' face and she would be dead right. I am so sick of being sick, so tired of being tired and so completely frustrated with being such a huge burden on everyone.

Other than that I managed to miss Luc's class assembly on Friday and phoned his head teacher to say that I had not had a note about it - I spent half the day in tears - and then found a fluorescent orange note the size of The Telegraph pasted into his reading record - which I had not consulted all week. What a complete loser I have become. Sorry Clare.


Having said all that - I was glued to the tv screen last night watching the Kylie Show - what a superb advert for chemotherapy she is. It gives me hope that the joy I will feel when this is over will in some way compensate for the hideousness of now. Despite pausing the TV every time she lifted up her arm to look for scars, I saw nothing - she looks incredible and radiates happiness and energy. She has a new single out called No More Rain which she says is 'very personal to her' and has obviously come out of her experience - which I intend to buy and listen to on repeat until this passes.