Is anybody out there?

My only link to the outside world seems to be my fleeting contributions to this blog and regular communication with all my Cancer Buddies from CBN. I am living in a cyberworld....It's hard to keep a sense of proportion about what is important and what is not. Little things take on a ridiculous level of importance while the big things are consecrated to a compartment marked Later at the back of my brain.

Currently smarting about delicate household relationships which seem impossible to manage from a largely horizontal position. Since this whole thing has started, Luc has been the most loving and affectionate of children - his anxiety about what has happened to his mother is palpable and real. He is gentle and helpful and kind with me almost all of the time - as if his input alone will make the difference between me getting well or staying sick. He is, however, less accommodating with other people on whom he lets out some of his anger and frustration. I believe that the only way to deal with this is by understanding and affection but this is not an easy message to get across.

Emily has turned a corner recently after receiving a glowing report from all her teachers at school - and various merit awards and certificates for good behaviour, punctuality etc. While she remains fragile with regard to me, and sensitive to the insensitivity of some of her peers, her self esteem is soaring academically which is all for the good. I feel incredibly protective of them both at the moment - I want to swoop them up and let nobody hurt them - and thinking about this occupies far too much of my time.

Despite working 14 hours a day including weekends, Francois remains my absolute hero throughout all of this as he never lets his stress of frustration out on me, and remains a source of positive comfort and strength. My mother too has shown the depth of her resilience under pressure and overall tolerance, patience and love - as have all of my family. And of course, though I haven't said it for a while, the amazing generosity of everyone who continues to text me, call me, visit me, drive me and feed me remain a source of incredible comfort. I'm sure the novelty must be wearing off and yet I am not forgotten.

Testing times which are not without profound value. If I'd never been ill - I would never have known how far I could fall on the kindness of others and how many people I will keep in my life forever.

Anyway - my underlying health is really taking a hit at the moment as the chemo slowly destroys all my living healthy cells which are taking longer and longer to bounce back, but with only one more to go - there is an end in sight. I am comforted by thoughts of a large glass of Champagne at Christmas and a chemo free New year....not to mention my mounting pile of brochures for French Spas!

If anyone is still reading this outpouring of a deranged housewife, I apologise for recent sense of humour failure - I'm assured it will come back with my eyebrows.