Your life in your hands

Things have really taken a turn for the worse. Not only have I given up dairy - more of that later - but I have replaced it with cross stitch. Some strange urge came over me in haberdashery at JL and I found my way sidling over to the cash desk with a tiny package and a scary number of lavender threads - all of which I later discovered had to be divided into 6 individual strands. This was about the same time I discovered there was no printed picture on the scarily blank white cloth and I actually had to fully concentrate on counting endless identical squares containing druid colour symbols in order to replicate the 'Charming Victorian picture panel'.

But I have to say - it saw me through some bad post chemo hours - the very effort of it all has had a strangely calming effect on my usual frantic state - and I find myself thinking about bringing a halogen light into the bedroom or even moving the furniture to get a better light...Will my life ever be the same again?

Also spent a large part of today reading my new bible - 'Your Life in your Hands' by Professor Jane Plant. A scientist and long term breast cancer survivor - she has conducted a huge amount of seriously compelling evidence showing a link between eating milk, cheese, yoghurt and all things dairy - and the growing incidence of both breast and prostate cancers in western society. I for one am convinced that I will be doing myself a huge favour in forgoing these things - and giving my diet a complete overhaul. I know that I am also forgoing dinner invitations for the rest of my life and that my entire French family will now look at me with even more polite forebearance - but I can live with that.

Fourth time lucky?

Back from chemo four and not too bad so far. Have changed some of the medication to hopefully help with sickness and post steroid crashing. Am so full of vitamins, veg juice and green tea that I'm hoping the good guys will fight back. Mum arriving tomorrow and Francois promising to take rare weekend off work but not holding my breath. Had a good chat with the oncologist who assures me I will get a full recap and explanation of exactly what is going on in my body when all the chemos are finished. I think that this is the person I should be talking to for the inside story. Assuming surgery goes ahead on 11th December I will then have a break until after Xmas and then 5 weeks of radiotherapy - every day except Sat and Sun. May have written this before but a bit bleary eyed tonight and can't really remember. Thanks to everyone who has written me emails and new comments on the blog over the last couple of days - it has kept me busy on the laptop for the last few hours - reading and replying - as well as fitting in a bit of birthday and xmas shopping - I can't believe that I have to do 2 birthdays between now and Xmas - as well as two more chemos and an operation - not forgetting Halloween - couldn't have picked a better time!



I am off to Shropshire on Friday am for the half term - cadging lift with my Mum which means I won't have to make the late night drive myself - probably not up to it anyway - back on the Sunday before school starts back again. Really looking forward to a change of scene and plan a trip to the Hereford Breast Cancer Haven as well as some quality time with Emily who is in desperate need. Hope to come back refreshed and ready for the next onslaught.


Thanks also to Beccy and Nuala for picking me up from the hospital today - and buying me a dosser box(?) - a brilliant device for organising the 4000 drugs I have to take at various times of day and for Hayley for coming again yesterday and making me laugh and planning our yoga holiday for next year.....

Still dairy free and actually getting used to the fish tank tea - oncologist said there was a lot of research going on about this at the moment and it is worth trying -

Now starting to flag - next few days may be a bit rough but at least I know what to expect...Luc is lying in bed next to me and has just called me 'wild and sexy'. Aren't boys wonderful...

Two thirds tomorrow

Just a real quickie before chemo number four tomorrow...

Had a really good day - felt well, got some work done, had reflexology and delicious Otto Lenghi takeaway with lovely friend Kathy and then went to the ballet with Pippa, Claire and Lucy. Fantastic. Forgotten there was a world out there. Will definitely be doing more of that!

Feeling really happy tonight and not at all anxious about tomorrow - will lie around with visions of La Bayadere and its glorious costumes and beautiful choreography floating in my head. Thanks for inviting my Pippa - you are a star.

I'm planning on hitting this one running and hopefully the 47 supplements I am now taking combined with the 94 litres of beetroot juice I have consumed in the last two days and my entirely worthy dairy free lifestyle will have me back in the land of the living in no time...

Watch this space...

Cancer Bore

I am the absolutely last person on earth I thought would ever say this - but I thought I'd better come clean now rather than have this leak out slowly - or worse - to have to admit this over and over again publicly - but I am now well and truly a member of The Other Side. This week, after much internet blogging and research, I have decided to give up all dairy produce. And worse is to come...I have bought a carton of soya milk. This has led to the inevitable - I can no longer drink tea or coffee as soya milk and Taylors of Harrowgate just do not work.

It's official. I am turning into a Cancer Bore.

But the path to dairy free righteousness has not been easy...

Yesterday

7am Woke up and made cup of 'Especially Rare (expensive) Chinese Green Tea (indistinguishable from drinking directly out of fish tank)

10am Freshly squeezed beetroot, celery and cucumber juice. No I am not joking.

1pm Lunch - had to go to Fresh and Wild as had nothing suitable in house.

(While there stocked up on interesting low fat meat alternatives and more hideously expensive dairy free stuff)

7pm Supper -Quorn mince with wholeweat pasta. Yuck yuck yuck

10pm Delicous cup of Fennel Tea


Today

7am - More fish tank tea. Meusli made with soya milk (yuck yuck yuck) made bearable by addition of a ton of nuts and dried fruit.

11am - Cup of Barley NO CAFF with soya milk - hot, wet and tasteless

1pm - Thank God for John Lewis - very tasty lentil salad with hummous, roast artichokes and tomato soup.

7pm - Chicken curry made without yoghurt - weird.

Clearly I will have to live in John Lewis. I always knew it would come to this.

Not so bad

Feeling very guilty now about my miserable blog but that's the way it is on this side - up and down - but overall more up than down. Heard an excellent Woman's Hour this am about the shock of diagnosis and it summed it all up really - the reality of it comes in waves. Happy denial fuelled by distraction only goes so far. Anyway - two good nights of sleep have done wonders for my energy levels and I fairly shot around JL today - not only changed the red towels - for more red towels - hopefully not shedders - but also managed a bit of Xmas shopping - In October! Un heard of. Paid a visit to the new 'food hall' which is a rather disappointing cross between Waitrose and Selfridges. Rows of ordinary Waitrose food laid out so you can't find it. The only noticeable difference was the posh patisserie counter and the cheese room (a la fromagerie). It was also completely packed with queues everywhere.

Kids meant to do swimming and ballet tonight but both too tired to move. Luc said we were all exhausted, 'because we're tired of you being ill'. Perhaps my bad week is rubbing off on them.

So while technaupair is upstairs skyping her boyfriend on the webcam - we are chilling out and watching Ugly Betty. Much better than swimming....

Bad Week

Apologies for long silence - but since Tuesday morale has been low on the Other Side. A nurse told me at the beginning of this that after the third chemo people often felt rubbish - combination of fatigue and the shock of diagnosis. I should have planned a few more 'treats' or to see people as that always helps but just didn't have the energy really. Anyway - forced myself out of the malaise at the weekend and had dinner with kids at Karen and Tim's which was really nice - particularly as France won the rugby - Luc now decided he is in fact half French.

On Sunday we had a walk around Regents Park - beautiful Autumnal day - which was good for morale but rubbish for legs which actually started trembling after about half an hour. Have resolved to walk for about an hour a day whenever I can to get some muscle strength back. Totally pathetic. Tomorrow my walk will be around John Lewis as I sadly have to take my gorgeous red towels back as they are shedding all over the house and the au pair. On Wed I have yoga followed by reflexology so that should also get the circulation going - and then - can you believe it - chemo number 4 on Thursday.

Apart from forcing myself out of the house - the other spirit lifting thing I have done is become a member of a fantastic site called Cancer Buddies Network (Thanks Tam) where you can drone on to people in a similar situation instead of offloading on long suffering spouse.

I will be sending emails instead of Xmas cards this year and donating the money saved to them as they charge nothing and are a complete life saver at times like these. I will also be holding a coffee morning at some point next year as a fundraiser so watch this space! If anyone is looking for a new charity to support this year - please bear this one in mind... You can find them at www.cancerbuddiesnetwork.org.

Other than the big C - life goes on pretty much as normal for everyone else. Emily won't stop banging on about having a mobile phone - and I made the stupid mistake of suggesting she did a straw poll to see how many of her friends actually had one. Yup - all of them. She is, in fact, the only child in her wide circle of friends not to have a bloody phone. What is the point? All I can see looming ahead is years of arguing on it and about it. It's not as if she has to travel anywhere on public transport. Francois was even more vehement on this than me but on Sat night I saw distinct cracks in his resolve when telling Karen and Tim about the 'very nice pink one' he had seen while taking Emily to the orthodontist...

Luc thrilled to receive giant package from Joe H filled with Arsenal goodies - including signed pics of Walcott and Fabregas. I could see him thinking that this cancer thing is not all bad...
Other than that he has stopped tormenting the aupair - and turned down the rantometer. Major emotional blow up last week seems to have cleared the air. It's not easy for me but it's probably harder for everyone else.

Francois busy as ever at work with new boy starting today and wine show looming - but England Vs France this weekend might (or might not) help...

Reflexology contact

For those people who have asked me how to get in touch with the fantastic Tony Porter - reflexologist extraordinaire and all round fantastic person - his phone number is 07768 077414 and his email address is artreflex@btinternet.com. He currently practices in Muswell Hill - so pretty easy journey - and you can park outside. Highly recommended for everything - not just what I've got!

A cup half full...

Saw consultant today and the plan is to have three more chemotherapies - and surgery provisionally booked for 11th December. Radiotherapy after Xmas will complete the treatment. I will then see him every 3 months for 2 years, every 6 months for 5 years and then once a year forever....

He said that I will not need any continuing drug treatment as my cancer is not hormone receptive - which makes it more aggressive - but one which responds extremely well to chemotherapy. I was momentarily flummoxed, having persuaded myself that I would definitely be on 'miracle' pills for the next 5 years, and took the liberty of asking him some questions - inspired by reading those damn articles / books etc.

He commented that I was obviously a negative person who saw my glass half empty. (And that I should be thrilled that there is a light at the end of the treatment tunnel - rather than questionning my prognosis.)

I am currently fuming about that - but will get over it.

I realise that no one can say whether or not the cancer will come back - and that I have to find a way of living with this uncertainty - but wanting to ask everything you can think of in the 7 minutes you have with the doctor seems to me to be one of the keys in managing a fragile state of mind.

Anyway - fuming aside - the only thing I can do to maximise my chances that it will not come back is to stay healthy, exercise, eat well and maintain a positive mental attitude - so watch out world - and in particular Jane and Taidgh - I might be swimming Lake Geneva after all.....!