On Bravery

Spent a really lovely couple of hours last night in Chris and Claire's gorgeous garden. Having spent most of the day in bed, I had to force myself to go out, and don't regret it. The impact of good food and good friends cannot be underestimated for boosting the morale. For at least half and hour at a stretch I completely forgot about the cancer and felt like my old self. A short trip back to the other side. It is so easy to feel like nothing more than a disease on legs and so important for there to be more about me than just that. I don't feel like the same person I was before, but I cannot be entirely defined by this new status. It is still early days and I think I am still struggling with all the new definitions - but just being the me I was before is so relaxing. Wish I'd appreciated it more at the time!

Someone said last night (and not for the first time), that I am being very 'brave'. I have to say that things could not be further from the truth. Brave implies an element of choice, or free will, in how you respond to events such as these. At the beginning, I was consumed by fear, the like of which I hope never to know again. I spent two or three weeks in a sort of daze, going through the motions as if I was someone else. Other people have commented on the fact that you feel as if you are in a film, watching yourself, and I still feel like that from time to time. The brain just cannot comprehend the enormity of the change in circumstances - it takes time to assimilate it all and to reach a level of acceptance that you can live with. I am not brave, but I am more accepting. The 'Why me's?' replaced by more of a 'Why not me?' approach. One in nine women get this disease, and there are many thousands of us out there, and there are many men and women who have far less friendly cancers and a much tougher time.

I am not brave, but I am letting myself go with the flow, and trying to get something good out of each day. Having a wonderful home-cooked meal made with by great friends has been the highlight of every single day this week. It's not just the shopping, and the food, it's the thought, the love and the attention to detail that has been so cheering. These things give me hope and a will to go on to the next day with optimism.

Spending time with the children, listening to them talk about their day is incredibly uplifting, but again, sometimes tinged with sadness as I wish I could take this away from them, and moments of fear have a nasty tendency to creep in.

Late at night, trying to sleep, or at 4 in the morning, the brain sometimes goes into overdrive and I don't feel brave at all. And I would give anything to turn the clock back.

But morning always comes eventually and I wake up pleased to be one step further along the path. If this is a test, a personal challenge, I know I will do everything in my power to come through it a better, stronger person. That's not bravery - it's survival.

And thanks Chris and Claire for a fab evening. My house and garden envy lingers on.....!